On social media, everything looks wonderful. There are the seemingly perfect courtships that end in marriage and the heartfelt captions on how God finally blessed them with “the one”. We see the beautiful journey of courtship followed by the grand proposal, the wedding photos and the instagram announcement that they’re pregnant. It all just seems so perfect…
And then there are the things that we don’t see. The things that we rarely if ever talk about, maybe because, to us, its not “pretty” enough; maybe because it’s not the perfect Christian fairytale that others seem to have. What we don’t see is the courtships that fail and the times when we genuinely believe that God told us a person is “the one” only for the relationship to go down in flames.. What we don’t talk about is how to get through a heartbreak as a Christian..
Every courtship doesn’t end in marriage. The whole point is to “court” with the INTENTION of marrying and to PREPARE for marriage but it is not marriage itself and the truth is sometimes it just won’t work out but often we do too much too soon. We treat someone who we’re COURTING as though they’re ALREADY our husband/wife. We’re already proclaiming to the world that they’re our “rib” or our “king”, when the truth is, you’re not his “rib” until you’re officially his wife under God and he isn’t your “covering” until he is officially your HUSBAND. Until then, God still recognizes you as two separate individuals. Again, we do too much too soon and so the “breakup” feels like a divorce because we acted like we were married simply because we felt like we “heard” God say that was “the one”…
And then it all falls apart..Now what? We’re beyond disappointed. We’re confused. We’re hurt
and God forbid y’all go to the same church and have to constantly see each other. How do you maneuver? How do you heal? How do you get through? Here’s some of the things Gods shown me through my own mess.
1) While we see it as a bad breakup and a heartbreak, God sees it as an opportunity to transform our heart… Understand the sovereignty of God. ANYTHING we go through is because God ALLOWED it to happen and if He ALLOWED it, then it must have a PURPOSE behind it. God is not sloppy. He knows every single detail of our life and He knows EXACTLY what gets some of our attention. I cannot begin to tell you the things that God has revealed to me about ME through my last breakup and how much He’s taught me. Understand that God’s ultimate goal is to bring glory to Himself and to make us more and more like Him and two of the things He uses is pain and suffering. Some of my greatest times of GROWTH have been through my greatest times of GREIF. It’s bigger than a breakup. God is doing something in your heart and it goes far beyond just you and your boo breaking up..
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.-Isaiah 55:8
2) God is practical. Stop stalking your ex.
I would beg God to help me move on ; to help me move forward and to heal me. God responded by giving me clear instruction. STOP stalking him. Stop looking on his instagram page to see what he’s posting, to see what girls are commenting under his pictures and than clicking on her profile to see who she is. Stop stalking their tweets and trying to figure out if they’re secretly tweeting about you. Just stop. unfollow. block. do what you have to do but stalking will keep you stuck and on an emotional roller coaster. You’re making him an idol and you’re asking God to heal a wound while simultaneously picking at it. I had to be painfully blunt with myself and realize this: What my ex is doing and who he’s doing it with is none of my business. That chapter is closed. The same goes for you love. He doesn’t owe you anything. He’s no longer in your life right now for a reason. Let it go.
“but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead”- Phil 3:13
3) Let go of what was “suppose to be”.
Yes, you guys were “supposed” to get married. Yes, you guys were “supposed” to do ministry together. Yes, you guys had all of these plans but you can’t stay stuck on what was “supposed to be” and neglect the reality of what IS and the reality IS that it’s over. The door is closed and know that if it was a door that God still wanted OPEN, He would of opened it. This is where discipline comes into place..(casting down vain imaginations and every high things that exhalts itself against the knowledge of Christ. 2corinth 10:5).. in other words, when those thoughts of what was “supposed to be” pop up in your head, be INTENTIONAL about choosing to think on moving forward in Christ and trusting Him when it comes to your future.
4) Forgive your ex.
Regardless of the reason WHY you guys broke up, you need to forgive your ex. Yes, even if he cheated, lied, manipulated, whatever. God’s call for us to FORGIVE is not limited to everyone else but “them”..It’s hard, I know, but if God commanded it, than God will give us the grace to keep that commandment. Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the desire to make them jealous. Let go of the desire to see them miserable. Let it go. Forgive them. Do not allow bitterness to take root in your heart because you will infect the people around you. It will infect your ministry. It will infect your relationship with Christ. You must forgive him or her regardless of what they’ve done to you.
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”-Mark 11:25
Do not jump into the arms of another man/woman to make you feel better about yourself. When we’re hurt and in pain, we’re not thinking straight. We’re drunk off of hurt. You see ANYBODY as a “potential” at this point because you’re lonely and vulnerable.This is the PERFECT opportunity for the devil to send people your way to fake full advantage of your moment of weakness. I heard someone say ” the wrong person during a lonely season can cause you to think that they’re the one”.One thing that I loved as a result of my last breakup is that God truly became my BEST FRIEND. I clung to Him like crazy! why? because He was the only one that could truly get me through and honestly the “girl you’re gonna be okay” texts just weren’t enough. Though they helped, I was deeply hurt and needed GOD. I was praying several times a day to keep myself from crying and being an emotional wreck. Through that season I truly came to know God as a comforter, as a healer, as keeper and not just from what I read in some bible verses but from what I went through in real life and seeing how much He held me down every single step of the way and never left my side. It was hard, but He got me through it. Don’t take the easy way out and just go find some cutie to fill that void with. There are no shortcuts. Go deep with God. Allow Him to dig up the mess that’s in your heart. Don’t just try to use people as band-aids when God wants to perform heart surgery.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.-Psalms 147:3
Understand that this is so much bigger than just a breakup. It’s just a TOOL that God is using to get to your heart; to mould your character, to teach you about Himself, to teach you about forgiveness, to teach you patience. God’s focus is on something so much bigger. It’s on eternity. It’s on the cross. It’s on His children being pruned and sculpted to look more and more like His Son and sometimes it takes something like a painful breakup to get us to that pliable, vulnerable place where God wants us to be so that we’re now able to hear His voice and be open to His leading. God usually breaks before He builds. Don’t despise this heartbreak.. God is building something. Stick with Him through this process love! xox
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.-1 Peter 5:10