How My Husband Leaving Me, Changed Me….

By: Alicia King   

      
 My husband of 6 years asked me for a divorce on my birthday, February,22, 2015. After 2 years of us battling about his feelings towards me and his need to go else where, he finally asked for out. 

I was broken…
I spent half of my marriage trying to hold it together and it was exhausting. I prayed countless prayers for God to show him how much of a good thing I was. I cried and beg God so many times for him to love me and see me as the caring wife I had tried to be for him. I prayed for him to remember me as the one who supported him through his transition from an engineer to a pastor. I read every book on being a virtuous wife. I read all the books I could on restoration of marriages. I went for Christian counseling both at school and church. I asked God to show me what I needed to learn in this season, and I covered my husband, who was planning on leaving me, in prayer daily…

Fast forward to November, the papers were sitting on my dresser just a week from our daughter’s 4th birthday. I had so many emotions, and I honestly felt like God had let me down. I felt like this was suppose to be our big testimony.. I felt like we would be the ones to tell other married couples our “testimony” and they will come to know God and believe for restoration in their marriages too. I mean, after all, my husband was a Pastor.

Man, I was too wrong…

I had to realize that we can not determine God’s steps, but in order for God to determine ours, we have to be willing to surrender to His. My husband was stuck in his own ways and envisioned something different for his life. I was truly crushed, but I realized for the first time my husband had led me in the arms of God. He led me through his human weaknesses and imperfections. He led me to God through his hurtful words and distant demeanor. He led me to God when he was falling in love with someone else. He made me know for sure that nothing is safe and guaranteed but the love of Jesus. He made me leave his corrupt church and run to a church that showed me principles on how to walk into my purpose in the will of God. His hardened heart taught me to pray in difficulty, and it drove me to serve and surround myself around a body of believers.

During the filing of the divorce my mind was at peace, but my heart still longed to be with him. I battled with resisting sleeping with him in times where I felt I needed his love and attention, even if it was for a moment. I was so insecure, and I did not understand why I was not worth fighting for. During my mourning, I saw my husband at times as the pastor who orchestrated my funeral daily. He removed me from the life that I’ve known and killed all the dreams that I had for us. But GOD…. God will allow old dreams to die to bring forth new ones. I had to learn that prayer does not always change our situation, but it changes you in ways you’ll never imagine. Each day the pain got easier to bear, and I started smiling more and I thanked God that He blessed me with a joy that I can not even understand at times. Sometimes God will leave you out in dark to let you know that He’s the light that never fails. It’s only as time goes on that, that light begins to shine on the things we did not understand. We begin to see that there is always a purpose in God’s plan. Through the fire, God will at times bless you. Joseph in the bible was abandoned by his brothers, lied on, and God promoted him by the favor God has placed on his life. While I was going through the fire and difficulty, God surrounded me with prayer warriors. God got me through school with a degree with honors and awards. God allowed me to be the only student to graduate my year as a certified teacher on my campus. I watched as my other colleagues switched majors after difficulty passing the new teachers’ certification exams. I did not understand it, but now I know that God has a plan for me that far exceeded what I had for myself. He built a new confidence in me, and brought new hopes and dreams to my life again. I may not always get it right and some times I still struggle, but as I continue to grow in my walk, I realize I can not walk this life without God holding my hand.

Those of you who are having crisis in your marriage, this is not for you to lose heart and accept divorce as your end. Continue to hold on and pray and do not grow weary, because you serve a God who has your best interest at heart. For the single ladies, know that your relationship with God is vital in every decision you make. Just because you date a believer, does not necessarily mean you’re equally yoked. Pray about everything! I was only 22 years old when I got married with the rush to cover up our sexual immorality. Know ladies, that the wait outweighs the consequences of stepping outside the will of God. You can not go wrong with trusting God. Galatians 6:9 says “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” We see all through out the bible where the people of God had to wait, and although it’s never easy to wait, one thing is certain, God HONORS it.

Love,
Alicia King ❤️

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When God Doesn’t Hear Our Worship…

 

As I walk with the God in this journey of salvation, I’ve experienced countless failures. I face struggles, some easier to overcome than others I’ve made more mistakes than I could possibly count, some out of ignorance and some out of deliberate disobedience, even though I wouldn’t admit it at the time. You know.. those times when you know what the BIBLE says and you hear what the holy-spirit is SAYING yet in those moments you still choose to listen to your flesh. I would feel bad about it every time. I  would feel guilty. I would beat myself up and I would even cry about it but can I be real? The very fact that I felt “bad” and actually cried over”sin” made me feel super spiritual..I mean, hey we live in a world where most people have no regard for God and His word..  I actually feel bad about it. I’m  pretty alright… 

Than God made a few things super clear to me.

God doesn’t want me to JUST feel “bad” and be convicted. He’s looking for me to REPENT. To repent means to change directions. It means taking deliberate ACTION in moving AWAY from the sin that you were once entangled in. It’s deleting phone numbers that connect you to the people that cause you to stumble in your purity. It’s moving out of a girlfriend/boyfriends house. It’s turning away from watching pornography. It’s getting rid of the drugs completely. It’s DOING whatever is necessary while changing your MIND to  go in the direction of holiness and not sin. The whole point of conviction is for it to lead to REPENTANCE.. actual CHANGE. The problem was that I would feel better about my mess because I cried about it but I never really repented of it. I felt spiritual and good about myself because I cried at an altar.. God doesn’t want me to feel bad, God wants me to actually  OBEY…

Malachi 2:13-2:14 (NKJV)

You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,
With weeping and crying;
So He does not regard the offering anymore,
Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
14 Yet you say, “For what reason?”
Because the Lord has been witness
Between you and the wife of your youth,
With whom you have dealt treacherously;
Yet she is your companion
And your wife by covenant.

God is basically telling these priests that their offering and worship to the Lord was unacceptable.. but why? How can God disregard their precious tears?

Because they were worshipping God with their mouths but they weren’t worshipping God in their heart and with their ACTIONS in how they treated their wives privately. God is basically saying, “before you cover my alter with tears and offerings, worship me in SPIRIT and in TRUTH by honoring my word in the privacy of your own household. Other people may see your religious activity publically, but I see how you treat your wife privately, and it displeases Me.”

Maybe God is saying the same thing to some of us today. That before we cover our church alter in tears of worship, let us worship Him by repenting of the sin He’s been speaking to us about for months, maybe even years… that before we sing Hillsong’s latest hits in worship to God,  forgive that person who hurt us and who we still harbor hate in our hearts for.. that before we jump and scream in worship to God, let go of those things that are driving a clear wedge between you and the Lord.  God isn’t just searching for tears… He’s searching for obedience..

We are all in the process of growing. None of us, no matter how saved and sanctified we think we are, have “arrived”. We ALL have sin still lurking in our heart. Please do not get it  misconstrued and think that this message is about being PERFECT before you’re worthy enough to WORSHIP God. If that was the case, NONE of us would be qualified. For many of us, God has been speaking to us about the SAME thing over and over again and we ignore Him in complete disobedience. Sometimes we think we’re being “spiritual” when we’re really just being “stagnant”. Gods main concern is not our worship but the HEART behind our worship. In Isaiah 1, God speaks about actually being DISGUSTED by the worship of His people at that time. They were having all of these ceremonies, rituals, celebrations, offerings and all that good stuff, but their heart and their actions were totally wicked. God basically said, ” I would rather you not do or say anything AT all than for you to put on show because your worship isn’t genuine”. .. (Read it for yourself)

We’ve bought into this idea that worship is all about just singing and dancing in a Sunday service. I believe that worship doesn’t start on Sundays when the choir rises to sing it’s first song. but it starts throughout the week.. It starts privately. It starts in our heart. It’s not about being PERFECT by any means.. but God is a GOD who looks at the HEART and not just the religious action. Before we lift up our hands, let us lift up our HEARTS and be willing to worship Him in spirit and in TRUTH..giving up whatever He’s telling us to give up and showing how much we TRULY love Him by obeying His commandments through His grace and with His help…

love yall! xox