By: Alicia King
I was broken…
I spent half of my marriage trying to hold it together and it was exhausting. I prayed countless prayers for God to show him how much of a good thing I was. I cried and beg God so many times for him to love me and see me as the caring wife I had tried to be for him. I prayed for him to remember me as the one who supported him through his transition from an engineer to a pastor. I read every book on being a virtuous wife. I read all the books I could on restoration of marriages. I went for Christian counseling both at school and church. I asked God to show me what I needed to learn in this season, and I covered my husband, who was planning on leaving me, in prayer daily…
Fast forward to November, the papers were sitting on my dresser just a week from our daughter’s 4th birthday. I had so many emotions, and I honestly felt like God had let me down. I felt like this was suppose to be our big testimony.. I felt like we would be the ones to tell other married couples our “testimony” and they will come to know God and believe for restoration in their marriages too. I mean, after all, my husband was a Pastor.
Man, I was too wrong…
I had to realize that we can not determine God’s steps, but in order for God to determine ours, we have to be willing to surrender to His. My husband was stuck in his own ways and envisioned something different for his life. I was truly crushed, but I realized for the first time my husband had led me in the arms of God. He led me through his human weaknesses and imperfections. He led me to God through his hurtful words and distant demeanor. He led me to God when he was falling in love with someone else. He made me know for sure that nothing is safe and guaranteed but the love of Jesus. He made me leave his corrupt church and run to a church that showed me principles on how to walk into my purpose in the will of God. His hardened heart taught me to pray in difficulty, and it drove me to serve and surround myself around a body of believers.
During the filing of the divorce my mind was at peace, but my heart still longed to be with him. I battled with resisting sleeping with him in times where I felt I needed his love and attention, even if it was for a moment. I was so insecure, and I did not understand why I was not worth fighting for. During my mourning, I saw my husband at times as the pastor who orchestrated my funeral daily. He removed me from the life that I’ve known and killed all the dreams that I had for us. But GOD…. God will allow old dreams to die to bring forth new ones. I had to learn that prayer does not always change our situation, but it changes you in ways you’ll never imagine. Each day the pain got easier to bear, and I started smiling more and I thanked God that He blessed me with a joy that I can not even understand at times. Sometimes God will leave you out in dark to let you know that He’s the light that never fails. It’s only as time goes on that, that light begins to shine on the things we did not understand. We begin to see that there is always a purpose in God’s plan. Through the fire, God will at times bless you. Joseph in the bible was abandoned by his brothers, lied on, and God promoted him by the favor God has placed on his life. While I was going through the fire and difficulty, God surrounded me with prayer warriors. God got me through school with a degree with honors and awards. God allowed me to be the only student to graduate my year as a certified teacher on my campus. I watched as my other colleagues switched majors after difficulty passing the new teachers’ certification exams. I did not understand it, but now I know that God has a plan for me that far exceeded what I had for myself. He built a new confidence in me, and brought new hopes and dreams to my life again. I may not always get it right and some times I still struggle, but as I continue to grow in my walk, I realize I can not walk this life without God holding my hand.
Those of you who are having crisis in your marriage, this is not for you to lose heart and accept divorce as your end. Continue to hold on and pray and do not grow weary, because you serve a God who has your best interest at heart. For the single ladies, know that your relationship with God is vital in every decision you make. Just because you date a believer, does not necessarily mean you’re equally yoked. Pray about everything! I was only 22 years old when I got married with the rush to cover up our sexual immorality. Know ladies, that the wait outweighs the consequences of stepping outside the will of God. You can not go wrong with trusting God. Galatians 6:9 says “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” We see all through out the bible where the people of God had to wait, and although it’s never easy to wait, one thing is certain, God HONORS it.
Alicia King ❤️